Monday, May 2, 2011

The Truth..At Least Today

If you read my blog, you know that my son has an Autism Spectrum Disorder.
As a general rule, I don't like feeling sorry for myself.
And I don't like people feeling sorry for me.
But lately life has been difficult.

Gabe, my son, has started to have several new "issues".
He has developed Tourette's.
On top of eveything else (Autism, ADHD...).
He clears his throat constantly, and makes horrible choking, gaging sounds.
It doesn't stop.
Unless he is sleeping.
Sometimes I can tune it out, but most of the time I can't.
I want to cry all the time when he is home.
The poor kid CAN"T stop doing this.
I feel horrible...
because I am loosing it...
I don't want to yell, or get agitated,
but I do.
Hour after hour...
gaging and choking.
I know he can't help it,
and I feel soooo bad for him.
(and, shamefully, for myself)
I give him cough drops, and water and rub his neck and shoulders.
We do "dots and squeezies" (a pressure exercise).
NOTHING works!

He talks to himself, and makes weird sounds...
Like a cognitively impaired person would.
HE IS!!!!
He is impaired!

But we have had such a great past few years.
To have seen him before, you may never have know anything was wrong.
But not anymore...

We sit in church and he gags and chokes and clears his throat.
He blurts things out.
I feel people looking at us,
not in a bad way,
but I want to scream

Sitting through the Easter Vigil, where my wonderful husband was baptised, was painful.
It was late at night, and Gabe was tired.
They turned off the lights.
Gabe screamed.
Then the worst episode of throat clearing began.
My in-laws sat with him in the pew behind me.
I held back the tears...
until my throat ached, and my eyes burned.
I did not want to ruin my husband's day.
I prayed for it to stop,
for him to be okay.
He wasn't.
He came to sit by me...
He wanted his mommy...
and I felt like such a jerk.
I wanted to be alone.
But I held him, and rubbed his back, and rocked back and forth in the pew.
I was hoping he would fall asleep.
As I write this I feel a tremendous guilt about that.

I always find myself saying (and usually genuinely feeling), that I wouldn't want him any other way than the way he was given to me.
Right now I want him to be normal.
I want to know what it is like to have a "normal" 9-year-old boy.
I want HIM to know what it's like to be a normal 9-year-old boy.
And, again, I feel horrible about it.

I hate it when people tell me that God meant for me to be his mother.
It makes me angry!
It never used to.
I used to be flattered.

My house is a disaster.
I didn't play with my daughter today.
I let her watch television instead.
All day.

I was going to cook an elaborate dinner,
but couldn't find the ambition.

I'll be better tomorrow...
or next week.
I always am.

Thank you for listening...
if you still are.

Please pray for my son.

I love him with all my heart ♥



  1. Oh sweetie, please know that I am thinking about you and your family. And please know that we are here for you, for anything that comes up in life, love and family.

    Hugs to you sweetie!!

  2. Hey Jesse! Just checking in and seeing how you are doing, been thinking about you.
    I hope that you have a beautiful weekend and a Happy Mothers Day, I think we are supposed to get nice weather. :) Take some time for you ok?


  3. Just prayed for your little guy. And that you would give yourself grace. From reading your blog, it sounds like you are an excellent mommy. A VERY wise older grandma from church once told me to "Do the best that I know how right now". Keep on swimming, keep on swimming...

  4. Thank you for the prayers and words of encouragement. They mean a lot to me!

  5. Hugs to you..and your family. That's got to be so hard. My 7 year old daughter has developed a couple of nervous habits--throat clearing and hard eye blinking. It's not severe, but it still bothers me. I know I don't know how your feeling, but I can imagine--there will still be good days ahead!

  6. Thank you Steph:) I understand how the "nervous habit" thing can be bothersome. It takes a lot of getting used to! I am sure that your daughter's will resolve itself. When I was in fouth grade I started doing the hard blink, because I was stressed out in my school environment. My parents put me in a private school, where I felt more confortable, and the blinking stopped!

  7. We are praying for you!!! :)
    I hope things get easier as time goes by.
    You are a great Mother everyone has bad days.
    Bonnie :)


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